Kuuku's Whatever Blog

It’s my third return to college and I optimistically see myself having a good academic year. These past couple of days before school starts have been fun and laced with social outings, activities and the reuniting of friends old and new. Despite all the fun. I feel tormented from this encumbering pressure I put on myself to get a girlfriend; knowing very well that getting one is an unrealistic goal. I feel a girlfriend is something that antagonizes the life goals I’ve set for myself to develop into a responsible adult.

But at the same time I constantly wish for the intimacy, trust and special friendship that I can share with that “special” girl. The girl that could stimulate warm, fuzzy and all the all-so-good feelings in the world that I would do whatever it takes, make a commitment to sustain those feelings. Go ahead call it love, but I wouldn’t know what that is.

I thought I had met that “special” girl that gave me those feelings. I dreamt and constantly manifested images of us in deep conversation, having a strong connection and relishing the physical attraction between us. But I would try and determine if  I was able to return the favor and stimulate those feelings in her but there was something that was always wrong with this romantic equation- Me.

I am a dark cloud of self-doubt. I’m an underachiever. I’m a not leader. I cower away in corners. I am selfish. I am hardened. I am spiritually misguided. I am lost. 

It was hard to admit and come to self-realization with these vices that chain me. But I least I now know what’s keeping me down. But that is not the complete resolution. Is it prayer? Becoming closer to God? I heard such resolutions are for the weak. Sometimes, I think that is true.