It’s been over two years since I last wrote on this blog. So naturally, it didn’t survive the inevitable writer’s block and the dark void in which abandoned blogs go to die on the Internet. But thanks to my older brother who helped established this space for me in the first place, he’s now retrieved the domain for me. So I transported myself here and like that of a hero’s homecoming, I’ve been gone for too long but needed more than ever. I re-read old articles I posted here and I have to say it’s a shame I stopped . I am a good writer.

But I’m here now and it’s time to pull away the cobwebs of inactivity from this space.

The first thing I want to do is just have a heartfelt discussion with myself and just reflect on where I am with my life. Reflecting, the only way I know how. This is my only outlet.

I’m not working in the field for what I studied in college. I was not really sure of what I wanted to do with my life. To be honest, college was just a huge waste of money and now I’m in debt but nothing too bad compared to what the average college student is paying in student loans. So I decided to learn a skill that was valuable in the job market- Coding and web development.

I took a three-month class of learning HTML, CSS and JavaScript and after six-months of grinding away on the minimum-wage slave ship afterwards, I landed a salaried job that’s helping me live.

At least, I’m now on track to paying off my credit and student loan debt and that’s a start.

I’m still not sold on therapy yet but I know it’s important but I haven’t drafted an action plan on how I can get started.

That’s another issue in itself.

But back to the matter at hand and the deep soul stirring questions I’ve been asking myself lately for a long time now.

If I died today, would I have made a difference in the world? Would I be happy about the things I accomplished? Have I contributed enough to my community and those less privileged than myself? Have I seeked forgiveness from people that I hurt, wronged or betrayed? Have I said thank you for the opportunities and privilege I’ve been given? Even as a black, African, Ghanaian man in the United States?  Am I spending enough time with my family? Have I crossed off the things on my bucket list? And what the hell is on my bucket list? Have I taken that road-trip I’ve always talked about? Have I traveled enough? Have I gone back to friends Have I reconciled or initiated contact with some of my long-lost friends? Have I personally told them I’m proud of them instead of secretly wishing and rooting for their success on social media?

To be honest, the fact that I can not answer yes to all of these questions and that represents a huge disconnect on where I am emotionally with my life.

I want to be happy but I’m truly not. Not until I correct all of these things. So I’m planning to be happy again.

I have friends that I deeply care and want to reconnect with but life (but actually, excuses) get in the way. On top of that as men, we are not even allowed to think this way “of wanting to connect with long-lost friends” because that seems vulnerable and men can’t be vulnerable or open about their feelings.

You appear weak but I don’t give a shit anymore. I truly miss my fucking friends. I need to reach out to them and my family more often.

I have my dreams. And a dream with a date becomes a goal. A goal with steps becomes a plan. A plan with action becomes reality.

These are constructs of my perfect world and I’ve trudged slowly through them for way too long. I have to do these things now. I tell people this but people will tell you

“Yeah, but you’re only 20-something, you’re still so young. You have time.”

But the most fucked up thing I’ve noticed about time is that time’s like a doctor without any patients.

Time doesn’t treat you right at all and it’s surely not waiting on you.

That’s why I have to write that book before the zombie Apocalypse becomes real, I have to become a soccer coach for girls before a nuclear meltdown hits New York, I have to pay off my debt before I get hit by a bus, I have to see Arsenal play before Donald Trump bans soccer, strips away my freedom and makes “America great again.”

You never know. I’m getting older and I don’t have much time.

I can’t bear the fact that I’d be an old man slumping away in a chair at a nursing home, not being able to speak  with some youth volunteer looking at the regret in my sullen and baggy eyes.

If you ask me, people don’t think often enough about this shit before it’s too late but I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. I’m going through that “almost 30” crisis and when I reflect, I feel like spent my early 20’s not grabbing the opportunities before me and wasting all my time on things that did not move me forward.

I hope you guys can relate.

You can’t make up for lost time but you can sure set a new timeline of your own.

But this will take patience. And I have to be realistic. I’ve got my dues to pay and I have to work hard.

I hate that I sound gloomy and depressed but for the most part.  I’m blessed to have this hope.

So for the next couple of things I write are going to focus on steps and action plans to cross off  my bucket list and reconnect with my long-lost friends and family.

They will raw, pure and honest. I can’t fuck around any longer. I’m going to be happy.

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